be real

Frequently I am messaged, e-mailed, or hailed over at some event and asked a question by moms who are considering homeschooling their kids, and it almost always goes something like this: "Where do you find your curriculum and which one do you use?" I usually name a few popular publishers, maybe send some links their way, give my typical try-it-and-see advice, and leave it at that. But here's what I really want to say.

My number one job as a mother, as a teacher, as a champion for my children's education, is just one thing: leave them with a love of learning.

That's it.

If I manage to do nothing else but leave that natural curiosity, the joy of learning for the sake of finding out new and exciting things that all kids start out with, intact in my children, then I have succeeded. Everything else will fall into place. It's that simple.

We went to an ARBA (American Rabbit Breeders' Association) show a few weeks ago to show a rabbit and try out something new. I figured it would be at least a couple of hours of sitting around and needing to be fairly quiet and still, so I packed a bag of coloring books, paper, and crayons for the little guys, along with two large books for them to balance their papers on a stable surface in their laps. You know what all four kids wound up doing the majority of the show's downtime? Poring over the books, which were something like 100 Facts About the Human Body and Eyewitness Books: Weather. Because cramming facts and statistics and reading to pass tests doesn't occur in their lives, they didn't know they weren't supposed to sit there and enjoy reading and learning.

There are a million programs you can tie into, books you can buy, ideologies you can follow, and websites you can subscribe to as a homeschool family. Usually you begin your journey a deer in headlights, nervous and unsure and buying everything that feels like "real" school. Stop thinking about what you can purchase to duplicate the public school experience, and start exploring the options that will make education a real, meaningful, joyful, lasting impression on young minds. Find the things that connect you with your kids, and inspire them to explore on their own. Nothing is going to be a lasting success if you're not leaving their love of learning intact.

the little things

Coral and I were working on some 4-H paperwork tonight, after I foolishly mentioned tomorrow's agenda right before bedtime. She was instantly engaged and not to be put off, so I showed her what needed attending and she immediately wanted to begin. Now the majority of it is pretty mundane stuff: writing name, age, address, club, and the like down for official records. It would take me about thirty seconds to fill it out for her and be done. Now for a recently-turned-six-year-old, it's a pretty monstrous task. It's also one she's not about to let me help with. This is where I've learned patience is a virtue. She got through name and age on her own, and the address took a bit but wasn't impossible. Then we hit a snag.

See that line there? It's kind of small. Our club name is kind of big. It ran through my mind that she'd have a hard time squeezing it in, but I refrained from mentioning it. She got the first part of the club name in there with no problems: "Osceola." Then she started to realize the dilemma on her own. "Adventurers" is an awfully long word. This is where I could have screwed it up by grabbing her pencil and telling her I'd write the rest.

"I don't think the rest is going to fit in there..." she reflected as she stared down at the line. I waited a moment before making a suggestion.

"You could always make a line underneath for the second word. There's space for one."

She sat thinking and then drew a line under the first, and looked at it for a minute. "Do I have to write the second word on that line? There's still space on the first one."

"No," I answered, "you can keep writing on the first line if you want."

"If I run out of room I can just write the rest of the letters on this second line." That settled, she decided to continue writing "Adventurers" on the original line. She got through the first three letters and paused again. "It's not going to fit but I don't like the line underneath."

"What if you made a little line that curved over the top?" She didn't grasp the concept and handed me the pencil, so I drew it in.

"How will the word go over the line? Can I run the letters up the hill or just stick them on top?"

I replied in an even tone, "Whatever you think looks best."

She tediously fit the rest of the letters on the segmented line, letter by carefully-placed letter, and finished the word. Then she neatly erased the bit of excess line sticking past the end of the word.

Sitting with her watching her writing out those two words probably took ten minutes. I could have had it down in five seconds and been on to something else. Instead, I let her call the shots. It was her paper, and her very real problem. By sticking with her and making sure I valued what she was doing, and letting her maintain control, she was able to figure out a solution. Instead of dreading writing large words the next time she comes across them, she knows she can work it out and I won't get frustrated with her questions or how long it's taking.

Sometimes the little things can be very big.

a month in the life

Ironically one of the biggest thoughts family, friends, and complete strangers pelt me with on a regular basis concerns not the school part of homeschooling, but the home part. Thanks largely in part to television and sensationalism (oxymoron!), they envision us sitting around 24 hours a day isolating our kids from the rest of the world. Many people now understand that homeschooled kids are often academically ahead, but still we're accused of "not socializing our children," as though a typical school classroom is the answer to everyone's problems.

To better illustrate some of the social opportunities my kids were given this month, I thought I would list them out and include some photographs. Our lack of isolation is boldly apparent. This month included the local public school spring break with which our P.E. programs coincide, so the number of classes attended was a little less than usual.

As homeschoolers we had eighteen official gatherings in March:

we participated in seven homeschool P.E. classes

we visited a park with P.E. classmates seven times

our homeschool co-op hosted three book club meetings

we attended one field trip to a Civil War reenactment camp

As 4-H members some or all of my kids took part in three events in March:

we attended one club meeting

we participated in one county-level club meeting

Alexei competed in the (one) 4-H state air rifle competition

As a family:

we watched one Civil War battle reenactment

we witnessed the miracle of life when one of the kids' 4-H show rabbits had babies

As regular old kids living in a busy neighborhood:

we were guests at two parties

the kids played with their neighborhood friends on numerous evenings and weekends, interacted with siblings, went on shopping trips, took care of our leased horse, etc., etc., like any regular old kids do.

One thing my kids don't seem to lack is social opportunity. Contrary to belief, there's not really a lot of staying home involved in homeschooling!

Portrait of a Homeschool Kid

Many misconceptions abound regarding homeschool kids. As a homeschool family we have heard them all : the kids aren't socialized. They aren't educated enough. They aren't exposed to the real world. They miss out on the opportunities to x, y, and z. All negative opinions from those who have never been there and have no idea what being a homeschool kid actually means. Most of us weren't homeschooled as kids (I wasn't) so our "reliable" source of information on the topic hails from television news stories notorious for sensationalism and one-sidedness. Six years ago we decided to use our own brains and parental intuition to decide what was right for our children, and we've never regretted it!

What biggest thing does homeschooling offer that traditional schooling does not? Time. Plain and simple, it offers us the time we need to pursue whatever the kids want. There is no hour wasted on the school bus or in the lunch line. No time spent sitting in a classroom twiddling thumbs or getting into mischief as a math lesson is taught five different ways to ensure the lowest common denominator stands a chance of passing a state-mandated test at the end of the year. No time wasted on politics, on procedure, on disruptions.

There is no substitute for one-on-one teaching. Knowledge is transferred directly from teacher to student with no interference, in whatever means best suits that student. A homeschool parent quickly figures out what style of learner they have on their hands and can make a lesson meaningful and impressionable the first time around. This means the core curriculum of math, reading, science, and social studies can quickly be pursued and conquered, leaving time for art, music, a foreign language, or diving in depth into anything the child desires.

A traditionally schooled student spends at least eight hours a day at school or on the way to and from it, and then has an hour or more of homework every night. Suddenly it's dinnertime, and bath time, and the half hour of reading hasn't been completed and bedtime is swiftly approaching. Yes, there is time for the basic math-reading-science-social-studies education, but there's not time for anything else. No time for playing with friends, no time for trips to the park. No time for the exploratory pursuits essential for a child's development.

Another thing homeschooling offers is opportunity. I'd like you to meet my oldest son, Alexei. He's ten years old and in the fifth grade, and since preschool he's been lucky enough to be schooled at home. That's right, I said lucky. During a typical school week, Alexei is a self-starting learner and completes his four main school subjects. Then he attends two homeschool PE classes a week with twenty to twenty-five other students in or near his age range. After PE he gets to play with his friends and torture his sisters at the park. On Wednesdays he attends a co-op class with a dozen other kids, learning about science (a six-week study of the classes of mammals), art (learning pointillism, cubism, and more), and culture (an upcoming class).

Since he is afforded time, Alexei can fully involve himself in the 4-H program. He is the elected chairman of his club's historian committee and is responsible for photographing and documenting club events. He raises and shows rabbits, has qualified for the 4-H state team in rifle marksmanship, and loves honing his photography skills. The three project record books that go along with his 4-H interests keep him educated and financially sound with regards to his activities. This year he also attends the 4-H county council meetings and hopes to one day be a county officer. A valuable education in leadership, citizenship, and perseverance is his for the taking.

This past February Alexei earned nine blue ribbons and four red ribbons at the county fair for his whopping thirteen entries, along with $90 in premiums, two medallions, a Best in Show trophy, and the advancement of his photography entry to the state competition. He chose to take on all of his own projects and put effort into many different areas. Next year he already has big plans to increase the project load and earn all blues. Since he is homeschooled, he is able to complete his schoolwork and still have the time and, perhaps even more importantly, the unbridled enthusiasm to undertake so much extra work. He doesn't compete in 4-H out of any obligation; he does it because he loves learning and working hard towards his goals and eventual successes.

Recently we've signed the paperwork to lease a horse from a lovely woman who wants to enrich the lives of a 4-H family. Alexei has ridden and shown a little bit in the past and would like to ride well enough to one day show in 4-H. Like the rest of the family he understands the responsibility that comes along with such a huge animal, and that the hard work of cleaning a stable always comes before riding. Since he is homeschooled, he has time to learn not only the finer points of riding but also what it means to have patience, and humility, and the benefits of hard work.

Like all typical fifth grade students, Alexei can read, write, solve math problems, and regurgitate facts from his textbooks. He has a good, solid foundation laid down by a teacher who knows his learning style best, and then he has the time and innocence available to want to keep learning about the things in the real world that interest him. He can take the lead and determine his interests, and run with them while we encourage from the background. He will continue to be a success in school and in life because he has the time and the opportunity to explore, and that's something homeschooling is in a unique position to afford.

shotgun schooling

I've been gathering up all the goodies to begin our school year next week, and balance the needs of a self-starting (if grouchy) 5th grader, an ADD 3rd grader, a year-ahead-of-schedule kindergartener, and a crazy into-everything 20-monther. Exciting stuff. But you know what has come to me? In all of this curriculum wrestling, I've realized that public schooling is like shooting a shotgun. A teacher aims and shoots a bunch of tidbits of information at the class and hopes that some of it hits each student.

I'm not playing blame-the-teacher. I think about some of the genuine in-the-schools kindergarten books we've used in the past, which are nothing but activities showing children how to wash their hands, brush their teeth, stop at a stop sign, recognize safety officers, etc., etc. These are all things that a five-year-old should already know. So much of what is being taught in school to children in all elementary levels is stuff that they should already have been taught at home. But a lot of kids don't know. Their parents don't teach them basic hygiene, or safety rules. They never get to play outside. They don't come to school understanding concepts like sharing, listening, or showing compassion, because those examples don't exist at home.

You also have classrooms that have been integrated. There's no money for kids of different levels and abilities to work at their own pace, so they're grouped together and that shotgun is fired in the hopes that the students who are behind or have a hard time working any way but one-on-one (like my 3rd grader) are hopefully pegged by a few bits of the blast. Conversely, the kids who are motivated learners may be hit by even less, because there's simply not enough time to aim in their direction. Each lesson has to be taught three or four different ways to explain the same concept, because we all learn best in different ways. That's why kids can spend 8 hours a day in school and come home with an hour or more of homework when they're in the first grade.

There are also children for whom English is not the language spoken at home. These kids, too, are now integrated into a classroom where they may have a hard time understanding the teacher speak, much less learn to their full potential. A teacher has to balance the needs of all of these children because a public education is just that : an education that applies to everyone. Our public is filled with such a variety of learners from so many different backgrounds and cultures; could you imagine entering a room full of adults taken at random from your neighborhood and trying to teach them all, in an hour spent writing on a board and looking at pictures in a book, how to change the brakes on a car? I bet not too many would be able to step outside and do it.

The moral of the story for homeschoolers is this : don't let the approach of public school intimidate you. You don't need 8 hours a day to instruct your student because you are instructing your student. Not the mass public. Not the greater good. Your student. If it takes 5 minutes to understand a concept, you don't need to approach the concept three other ways to get the point across. Books are important tools, but they are just that : tools. Real life experience is a bigger tool and as homeschoolers we're often afraid to think outside the public school box for fear we "aren't doing enough" with our kids. We purchase extensive, mind-numbing curriculum in the hopes that we're duplicating a public education, when in fact we should be diverging from it.

finding your way

There's a lot out there about the myriad ways to keep your homeschooled kids happy and socialized - basically, as with anything else in life, the amount of effort you put into it relates directly to the amount of satisfaction they get out of it : in other words, it is what you make of it. I have zero doubts about my kids' opportunities and quality of social time. Something you never seem to read about is where you as the parent fit into the grand scheme of things.

Sometimes it's hard to feel like you fit in when you're a homeschool mom, especially if you have a large family that spans a substantial age range. I'm not just a toddler and preschooler mommy since my older kids don't go off to school each day; nix the preschool set of friends. Many baby/toddler groups these days absolutely forbid older kids attending. On that same axis, since I have a preschooler and toddler to keep up with, I'm not just a homeschool mom. Field trips that require concentration, quiet, and two hands? Forget it.

I used to have hobbies. Once upon a time there was the opportunity to train and show horses. I could sit down and draw. I really enjoyed taking photographs, not just of my kids but for other people as a budding profession. If I felt like it, I could even sit down and read a book.

You give up a lot as a homeschooling mom. There's the time and the effort that go into the planning and the doing, but mostly you give up being normal. You give up fitting in with the moms you used to hang out with, because their kids went off to school and yours didn't. You give up on society thinking you're a sane person who knows what you're doing with your kids.

Even after almost six years, I feel a little lost sometimes.

But I don't think society ever thought I was a sane person.

WYSIWYG

Sometimes the learning just seems to script itself. It's funny how that works : we're conditioned to believe that "school" is a place and a time, a set of books and a lesson plan. But learning is taking place ALL the time. Kids are absorbing ideas and values from everything they're seeing and hearing. How we as parents choose to use this truth determines what our children ultimately get out of their education.

Take, for example, our morning trip to the grocery store. Wednesday is our night to plan and cook dinner (Yes, I have a husband who cooks very well. Better than me. And he likes to cook. Be jealous.) So the kids and I had to reach an agreement on what to make. We all voted for homemade pizza, salad, and cinnamon rolls. Staple ingredients were checked, a list was created, our coupons were sifted through, and we perused the 2 local grocery sale ads online to see who had the better deal on bagged lettuce and mozzarella.

At the store, Coral and Hobie rode in one of those ridiculous, impossible-to-steer shopping carts where the front half is a big plastic race car. Lesson in physics right there! As we gathered our purchases, the kids spotted the signs over the aisles and could pick out where our groceries would be. We compared prices per ounce and decided what was the better deal. In line, Alexei estimated our total cost and Ibis was in charge of handing the coupons to the cashier and getting the change. Then we practiced bargaining skills deciding to whom the change belonged.

Once home, Alexei did the bulk of the work starting the dough for the cinnamon rolls - nothing gets a boy motivated like the promise of sweets, and the thought that yeast makes dough rise because of gas. I swear the mere mention of a possible potty joke is enough to keep an almost-ten-year-old boy going for days. No pun intended. Who says a boy's place isn't in the kitchen?

Better make that a boys' place.

While the dough was rising, we plowed through math lessons and had lunch. Then the kids moved on to their big map project and learned all about Connecticut - but that's another post. Mostly because I forgot to take pictures. They also began their postcard project and penned several cards to other homeschool families willing to trade cards from Maryland and Arizona.

I think both kids will understand postcards a little more when they start rolling in. Right now it's this pleasant-sounding, rather foreign concept, where we actually get mail in the mailbox that we want, which isn't a bill or advertisement. Actually this is a pleasant-sounding, rather foreign concept to me, too.

The remainder of the afternoon was spent rolling dough, baking cinnamon rolls, proofing pizza dough, and a flurry of pushing kids on swings, entertaining neighborhood kids, and finishing up dinner. Coral sneaked in under the radar of the big kids and got some cooking time in, too. Give the child a rolling pin and she could be happy for hours.

The kids lost interest in what I was doing when their public-schooled comrades came home, but that's okay. Being a kid is about far more than sitting at a desk with a worksheet; play and friendship are the real teachers.

a Cinderella story

Sometimes my kids don't get along. Some days, my kids don't get along. The usual array of time-outs, loss of possessions and privileges, and flat-out begging, pleading, and bribes has slowly lost its punch. Many a day I find myself unthinkingly whipping out the phrase, "You are in SUCH big trouble!"

And then what? I've laid it out there, but what exactly is the trouble? The threat has gotten so deflated over  time that my kids now ask, "What trouble?" And then you can hear crickets chirping. Until yesterday. Yesterday, I had an epiphany.

Our new house has ceramic tile floors. Lots of ceramic tiles. Oodles of ceramic tiles. Ceramic tiles that children of all ages can scrub clean with a kitchen sponge, and wipe dry with a towel. Now when they ask, "What trouble?" I can say with confidence, "See those tiles over by the front door? They have your name on them."

My floors have never been cleaner.

attachment in an unattached society

So it's 9pm and all of the kids are mercifully, miraculously in bed. I should probably take a shower and climb into bed myself, but here I sit eating a bowl of Chocolate Moose Tracks ice cream for my dinner and musing over a blog post. Life's been pretty challenging lately; with our recent move, and juggling four kids and homeschooling and all the crazy antics that go along with that, I have a full plate. Throw in some struggles with kids number 2 and 4, and I start feeling like I've reached my breaking point. But hey, at least he's cute, right? Nature's idea of self-preservation. The biggest troublemakers are always the cute ones. And *all* of my kids are cute.

see, I told you

I was lying on my bed this afternoon, nursing a headache (no pun intended!) and trying mightily, vainly to lull the baby to sleep. I started thinking about being an attached parent, and how it makes me feel and how easy and difficult it makes my life. We live in a society where being a smart, independent leader is of high value. Most of us want to see our kids grow up to be happy self-starters with successful, meaningful lives. So we steer them towards that goal from birth - sleeping in their own cribs, learning to master their own bottle or cup, baby playdates, sports and classes of every variety from 6 months old, preschool, and then suddenly there they are, five years old and graduating kindergarten writing paragraphs. I'm pretty sure *I* didn't even know what a paragraph was when I was five.

But sometimes I think that with all of our well-meaning intentions, we're actually pushing our kids away from us. Instead of fostering independence through a secure attachment to parents (knowing hey, mom and dad will always be here for me), we're terrified of spoiling our children so we keep them at a distance. We don't want to be the lady who can't leave her 9-month-old home with someone else, ever, because he'll cry frantically. We don't want the toddler who clings with a death grip to our legs every time we go someplace new. It's scary knowing that there's a little creature out there who is so reliant on you. We worry that our babies will become whiney, helpless children if we always cater to their every whim. But what's a healthy level of attachment?

Attachment parenting is one of the most misunderstood concepts I think I've ever seen in the parenting world. Attachment parenting is not a tactic used to spoil a child; it is not so-called "child led" parenting. It is not teaching your child that he is the center of the universe and all of the planets revolve around him. I like to think of it more in the terms of "instinctive parenting," because when you look at the principles of attachment parenting from their source, you'll see that they are pretty much how a "wild" human would parent. So easy a caveman could do it!

It actually has its origins in the likes of Dr. Sears. You can go on the Dr. Sears website and read a ton of great info on attachment parenting, including scientific research that backs it up. For a quick overview, the seven attachment tools are listed as follows:

1. birth bonding
2. breastfeeding
3. babywearing
4. bedding close to baby
5. belief in the value of baby's cry
6. beware of baby trainers
7. balance

If you look at the seven "Baby B's" as a whole, they really are just what you or I would do naturally if we were wild animals. If we were like any other creature out there, we would keep baby close after birth. We would breastfeed baby because that would be the only way baby would survive. We would wear or otherwise carry baby close to us, to keep baby safe from predators. We would likewise keep a sleeping baby right next to us. We wouldn't let baby's cries go unnoticed because that would attract predators. We certainly wouldn't follow a program that went against our natural instincts. And finally, as in the wild, we would maintain a balance in our lives. We wouldn't let ourselves starve or neglect our families for the sake of the baby.

So how do we cope as attachment parents in an unattached society? In a country where more babies are fed by bottle than breast and women are frequently too scared of public opinion to nurse; wearing a baby in a sling or even a Snugli often is admonished with cries from the older crowd of, "You're spoiling her, you'll never be able to put her down!" and babies are expected to sleep in their own cribs in their own rooms, and by some crowds peacefully through the night, at a young age; how do women even find the courage to be attached to their children?

When did everyone become such an expert over Mother Nature?

cloth diapering for the rest of us

I admit it : I really don't care how bad disposable diapers are for the environment. I don't care that they take forever to break down in landfills, or that they're made with chemically questionable materials. The ease of going to Wal-Mart and grabbing a package of Huggies off the shelf, knowing that baby will be dry and there's nothing more to be done, is immensely appealing. I even think the Pooh Bear designs are sweet and I kind of like the way they smell. But I'm also cheap, which is why I switched over to cloth diapers five months ago. The money factor is also what keeps me going when cloth diapering gets boring.

I was a disposable user for a long time. All three of my oldest kids wore Pampers and then moved on to Pull-Ups. I never, ever considered using cloth diapers (other than briefly thinking, what a bunch of crackpot nuts those cloth diaper users are). Then when I was pregnant with Hobie and Coral was still wearing Pampers Cruisers at night, Pampers did something sneaky and redesigned their diapers. They essentially removed all of the "guts" of the back half of the diaper; all that was left was the outer shell. I contacted Pampers multiple times and got the crazy answer that the diapers were "thinner and more absorbent than ever!" (ha!) and the promise that they would send me coupons (never saw those). I posted a rather scandalous photo on facebook and online message boards and Pampers e-mailed me and asked me to take it down. We became Huggies users.

photos I took in November of 2009, naughty Pampers!

Fast forward to Hobie being almost four months old, and Pampers was once again a hot topic on all of the message boards for their new DryMax formula which was reported by many to cause chemical-burn-like rashes. None of my kids had ever had any real issues with diaper rashes, but for some reason the whole controversy just made me take pause and start thinking about my diaper choices and wondering about cloth diapers. I was disgusted with Pampers and worried that with the economy being in such upheaval and companies being forced to cut every corner possible, that soon all of the disposable diaper brands were going to be ruined. I have a really hard time paying good money for a product that is not going to live up to my expectations.

So, with all of that in mind I purchased my first ever cloth diaper. I went with a FuzziBunz sized pocket diaper, which I knew was one of the recognized brands and seemed easy enough to use and maintain. I found a company online that offered free shipping on any order and accepted PayPal, plus paid me 10% back on future purchases. One diaper was $17.95, which was a lot to swallow! That was about the same price as 45 of the disposable diapers I was buying (Huggies Little Movers size 4). I was really skeptical that  the diapers would be leakproof and that they'd wash clean. Within a month I liked them so much that we had switched to cloth diapers full time, and also for Coral for nights.

The maintenance certainly is not as easy as disposable diapers, but I also wouldn't qualify it as difficult. When I go to change a diaper, I unsnap it, wipe baby down, pull out the insert and fold it in half and lay it in the dirty diaper, fold the diaper down, and toss it in a wetbag (a washable cloth bag with a waterproof liner) until it's ready to wash. If there was anything solid in the diaper (which we have not yet experienced) it would get shaken into the toilet before the diaper went into the wetbag. Washing is easy; I wash every morning and it's one small load that gets a cold rinse, a hot wash with about half the recommended amount of Tide Free, a cold rinse, and then they get tossed in the dryer on low until dry. Voila. The expense is pretty minimal. With the FuzziBunz I have not had a single stain on the diaper itself, and only the occasional stain on the insert. A simple few hours sitting in the sun has magically erased those stains every time.

Overall I have 12 size medium cloth diapers for Hobie, and I spent about $170 (I purchased some of them new and some in good used condition). I also have 2 size large for Coral, although she can, at age three and a half, wear the mediums. A $170 supply of Huggies Little Movers would have consisted of about 500 size 4 diapers. At a conservative usage of 5 disposable diapers a day, a $170 supply would have lasted us 100 days, or three and a half months. We've been using cloth now for almost five months, and it is a GREAT feeling knowing our diapers have paid for themselves and are now saving us money with every diaper change! They don't have to be an expensive addiction, or run your life. ANYone can cloth diaper, and save money. I'm so glad we switched!

our FuzziBunz collection for Coral and Hobie

one of our two non-Fuzzis - not your mama's plastic pants!

Note : I am not being endorsed by The FuzziBunz Store but after much shopping around and price comparison, they by far had the best deal on FuzziBunz diapers and their shipping has been phenomenally fast and you earn money towards future purchases. I have nothing but good things to say about them!

the right decision?

Do you ever have one of those days where you really stop and wonder if you're making the right choices for your family? Ninety-nine percent of the time I feel like our family situation and the paths we choose for our kids and our future are the right ones. Every once in awhile when it seems like you're swimming against the rest of the world's stream, you start doubting yourself and wondering if maybe you're only seeing what you want to see out of life and maybe everyone else has the right idea. Or do they?

Public school started today in our county. I was inundated with photos of smiling, uniformed, backpack-laden children of friends on my facebook feed this morning. I read tales of bus rides, tearful and not-so-tearful goodbyes, and kids (and parents) ready for the first day back at school. We've always homeschooled so that's never been an experience for us. It seems like the whole world is sending their kids off to school today, including good friends who used to homeschool and friends who always swore that they would. So does that make me really dedicated, or really stupid?

I have some really, really *great* memories of going to public school when I was a kid. I was always a teacher's pet, and school was easy for me. As an elementary-aged student I don't think there was ever a day that I dreaded going to school (wait, I take that back - 5th grade measles shot day was not fun!) I think I can even still recall the names of all of my teachers. We got to do all sorts of fun activities, had recess on great playgrounds, had time to eat lunch, played games outside in P.E. We had art classes, and music, and we played fun games like Heads Up, Seven Up. I went to school in very small southern towns for grades 2-8, and I think that made a big difference in how we were taught.

It's really hard to look back at my childhood and not want that experience for my kids. Unfortunately I don't think that experience is the reality of public school anymore. I know my family and friends have kids in school here (or are teachers here) and the kids are taught in four, 90-minute session blocks of math, reading, science, and social studies every day. They have 25 minutes for lunch, one 15-minute structured recess (i.e. what used to be called PE, which was an hour when I was a kid), and that's that. There's no money left for music, or art; there's no time left for recess, or PE, or time to actually eat lunch. Kids are taught solely for the purpose of passing the FCAT and if it isn't on the FCAT it isn't being taught. Kids in the first grade are coming home with an hour or more of homework every night.

But that doesn't mean I still always feel like I'm doing the right thing. It's hard to go against the grain.

trivial pursuit

This has been in the back of my mind for awhile now - you know those conversations you have with yourself when you're alone and doing something routine and mundane, like taking a shower? No? Well, maybe I'm the only one who holds lengthy conversations with myself. And then talks to myself about having conversations with myself. Hmmm....at least I'm not *completely* nutty, because if I'm in the shower at least Woodstock (ala Peanuts) is in there with me, listening to my conversations. Assuming he reads minds. Hey, if a perfect likeness of the famed cartoon bird can perch on the ceiling of my shower, anything is possible.

Moving on! I think about this a lot. There's so much in this world that we seem to be constantly striving for. We want to look perfect, to have the right possessions, the right careers, live in the right neighborhoods. We like to be witty with our friends, adorn our children with the "in" look, make sure they grow up to become doctors and lawyers and successes. But does it really matter? I don't know how it is that we all got to feeling so incredibly self-important. There are close to seven BILLION of us humans out there these days, and that's only the live ones. We stress and stress over the silliest things in our daily lives, because it seems so significant at the time. But is it really?

You grow up hearing phrases like, "Make a good first impression." Okay, so you wear the perfect clothes, the perfect shoes, spend hours getting hair and makeup just so. You want everything to make that great impression. But so what? What if you didn't? I think we tend to focus on what's immediately in front of us and not the bigger picture. If you don't hit it off with that first guy, or get that job, or make a good friend, or even a good decision, life doesn't end. Whether you want it to or not, 6,999,999,999 of the rest of us move on and never even noticed you were out there, perfect or imperfect. I'm not saying, "Why bother?" but I am saying, "Why does it matter so much?" Why do we place SO much importance on material aspects?

I think two of the biggest evils in today's society are television and lines of credit. I'm not suggesting that I'm going to head out with my pitchfork looking for witches, but think about it! Many many people are very vested in television shows. I'm not anti-tv; there are some things out there I genuinely enjoy. I don't even mind my kids watching some of the God-awful cartoons. BUT, tv shows make us want. Of course there are the commercials which are nothing but solid ads for all the things you *could* have, but I'm talking about the shows themselves. We want the items we see our favorite characters enjoy. We want the lifestyles we see them have. We especially want that artificial humor, or closeness, or fun that we witness those tv families going through. We see extravagance and it seems so grand - huge homes where kids don't share rooms (or do share rooms and always get along - ha!), the newest and best gadgets, fancy cars. Big parties, photo shoots, jewelry. Even things like breakfast in bed and a cute card and necklace on Mother's Day. We actually feel disappointed when we don't get those things. Personally I can remember feeling cheated when I didn't "get" a baby shower when I was pregnant with Ibis. How many episodes of A Baby Story can a pregnant woman watch and then not expect a beautiful, picture-perfect baby shower, dangit! On some level at some point we have to realize that isn't real life.

Then we have lines of credit. Credit (especially credit cards) allow people to live beyond their means. We've been credit-card-free for over 5 years now and sometimes that's the hardest thing in the world; you see something you want and you know everybody else and his brother would just go and put it on a credit card and be done with it, but you can't. It is a VERY difficult impulse to resist - that's why you can't have a card "just for emergencies." Unfortunately we do have 2 car loans that I wish we didn't rely on, but we made a compromise and bought used but decent vehicles. We did opt to continue paying on my car and add a third row seat rather than purchase something newer and bigger after Hobie was born; that was a sound financial decision for us. We will also eventually get a mortgage on a house rather than pay fully in cash, and we are okay with that. But we have said no way to credit cards!

Here's why I think credit cards are bad news for everyone involved. It does let you live beyond your means - if you use one like most people, and like we used to, you're buying things that you wouldn't be able to afford with the cash you have on hand. Imagine for one moment if nobody had credit cards - we'd all stop buying things that weren't essentials (or some of us would forego the essentials for awhile, but eventually when you were trying to eat your PlayStation games you'd probably come around!) Instead of all buying everything *brand new* people would be forced to buy things that were within their actual means. The life of a (insert electronic device, etc. here) would be much longer. Instead of owning an iPhone and then an iPad and then an iWhateverComesNext all within a the span of a year, most people would have to settle for one thing. This crazy out of control throw it away when something better comes along consumerism would come to a grinding halt and maybe the whole world wouldn't be such a disaster! I'm not especially "green" and don't claim to be or even really want to be, but it does bother me that as a whole we are all so into self-importance and gimme gimme gotta have its that all of our morality sometimes goes right out the window.

And you know what's really funny? I don't even take long showers! I think Woodstock is getting to me....

The trouble with large families!

I guess we're a large family - according to my favorite parenting website we qualify with 4 kids. You'd think the biggest problem we'd face would be too many mouths to feed, or not enough parents for all the kids, or a big fat mess all over the house. You'd think, talking to any of my extended family anyway, that having 4 kids was an insane mistake. I laugh about this frequently now - my mom, upon finding out I was pregnant with Coral (#3) told me, "That's fine, but whatever you do, stop there. Don't have a fourth child - it will ruin your life." Gee thanks mom, I AM your fourth child! Other than the dangerous physical aspects of my being pregnant again (I now have had a 30-weeker and an emergency c-section thanks to a placental abruption, and have a 25% recurrence rate of abruption in a future pregnancy), I really wouldn't mind having more kids. I think 6 would be a really great number.

You know what's the hardest part about having four kids? Trying to maintain friendships! When our oldest two were little, we had lots of friends. We met up all the time for playdates, and parties, and had such a wonderful, fun time hanging out together. I have all these great old photos of my kids at our house running around with a gaggle of other little 2-4 year old girls and boys, wreaking havoc and having the time of their little lives. And then you know what happened? All of those little kids grew up, and went off to school. Many of the moms went back to work or found other hobbies. We all drifted apart. Almost everyone called it quits after their first two children and then just....moved on.

It's hard when you have a large family, because the ages of your children span such a large range. My kids cover 9 years. Almost none of my friends who have kids in the same age bracket as my two oldest (8 and 10 later this year) have younger children. Conversely, I don't know anyone who has a three-year-old and an infant who also has kids who are school-aged. We've been both lucky and hampered by homeschooling in that we are typically welcome to bring younger siblings to events (where they are usually doted upon), but at the same time there isn't really much to offer the little ones that also welcomes older siblings.

Why is that? I've tried joining a few playgroups for little ones and they are SO snotty! They actually have age limits set by your child's birth year and if you don't fit, you don't attend. Other than in public school, who sets these crazy restrictions? It drives me crazy! WHY should it matter if a *gasp* seven-year-old attends a playdate for three-year-olds? What is it they think my child is going to do? How is it beneficial to limit social groups like this? I feel really excluded these days from the lives of all of our friends who only have 2 kids. Luckily I have one really great best friend who doesn't fit this mold and helps make it better!

from L to R : Kayla, Kenyen, Ibis, & Alexei, circa 2005

Is it criticism, or is it passion?

Do you ever stop to wonder? Sometimes I think we as moms feel like our every move is criticized; I think especially if you are a new mom or are trying out something new, it's easy to feel like the world is against you and your choices as a parent. In some cases I believe that's true : who doesn't have that aunt, or mother-in-law, or mother, or annoying older sister, who insists that everything they know about raising kids is the "right way" to do things and everything you think, say, or feel is automatically wrong? Most of us have felt those kinds of comments and know how crazy many of them are (for example, you weren't buckled into a car seat as an infant because they didn't have car seats back then, and your mother likes to point out how you kids all managed to survive childhood).

But what about other modern-age moms that you meet around town or on message boards? I read a lot about moms who feel attacked, and criticized, and there are certain topics that become almost taboo online. Unless you're in a specific forum you aren't really free to discuss breastfeeding, or co-sleeping, or vaccination choices, or delaying solids, or in some cases even cloth diapering or homeschooling. You risk letting it be known that you aren't a "mainstream" parent, and even worse, you feel like you're hurting the feelings of those who you are "against." But what if what you're hearing isn't meant to be criticism, but is simply passion and the voice of hard-earned experience?

I won't make it any secret that we are pretty far out of mainstream when it comes to parenting our children. We fall into the attachment parenting label pretty neatly; all of my kids have been breastfed past a year (or two), I babywear, we co-sleep, we don't let a baby cry it out, we make every attempt to discipline gently, we do try to teach respect by being respectful. On the "crunchy" front we have chosen not to vaccinate, and we recently started cloth diapering. We also delay solids and homeschool.

I have learned a LOT in the almost ten years I've been a mom. I started out young and fumbling, with a poor example in my own mom and doing the best I could to follow my baby's cues. At that time I was terrified to co-sleep and never even gave a passing thought to the safety of vaccines. Baby number two came along with a horrible case of five-months-nonstop screaming, and we survived only by keeping her in bed with us. Baby number three came along 10 weeks premature and we had to adapt to an entirely new set of rules. Because she would aspirate reflux and stop breathing, babywearing upright in a sling became essential. We were already familiar with the personal benefits of co-sleeping and breastfeeding, and so were even more committed to what had worked so well for us. When number four arrived, a refluxy, colicky, screamy thing with an immature digestive system who wanted (wants) nothing but to be with mommy 24/7, we were able to adapt pretty smoothly. Had he been our first, we would have been WRECKS.

I hope that if you ever feel as though your parenting choices are being picked on, or even attacked, that you'll consider that at least some of us moms are just trying to help. We're not judging, or demanding changes, or criticizing what you do. We've just been through enough in our ever-changing, ever-developing parenting experiences that we see others who are struggling or who seem lost, and we want to try to make it better. We're passionate about the discoveries that we have made through much trial and error along the way, and we have so many, "if I had only knowns" circulating in our brains that we want to share.

But that doesn't mean I'll ever be pleased to hear my mother say, "Back when you kids were little..." ;D

Schedule schmedule!

So I admit I'm not a big rules kind of gal; we tend more often than not to go with the flow. I actually really don't care most nights if the kids don't go to bed until 10pm, so long as they aren't driving me crazy! Mark has recently decided (as in a couple of nights ago, bless his little heart but he gets on these, "I'm going to make my family perfect" kicks every once in awhile) that the kids should be IN bed at 8:30. This includes all of the kids except the baby. His theory is they should be in bed earlier now that we're gearing up for school. Personally I think he spends entirely too much time conversing with his coworkers about their public-schooled kids. *My* theory is that I don't really want everyone (including me!) getting up at the crack of dawn. Maybe in a perfect world this would be great; little Henry and Suzy brush their teeth, say their prayers, and snuggle down into their beds at 8:30 while Ma and Pa dawn their pj's and have a little nightcap, and climb into their bed at 9pm as they blow out the old oil lamp. Everyone wakes at 6am to a big hearty breakfast and the kids are off to school, Pa is off to work, and Ma starts the washing.

The reality of it is that the kids may be getting to bed earlier, but I am not! Regardless of when everyone else goes to bed, I'm not getting there until Hobie is off to dreamland. Here lately that's been around midnight. Even when he miraculously falls asleep for the night at around 10pm, I'm up until midnight trying to get everything done that I didn't get to during the day. And then he's up anywhere from two to five times a night to nurse - it's the only time he doesn't seem to spit everything right back up - and he's started to protest the close confines of co-sleeping in our bed so he starts squirming and digging his toes in my c-section scar. I wind up having to get back up and put him back in his crib, only to re-start the process in two hours. I am not a heavy sleeper and it takes me awhile to wind down once I'm in bed, so by the time 6am rolls around and all of the other kids are awake and bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, I've had about 3 hours of fractured sleep and am ready to eat whatever little squirrel decides to come ask me some nutty question as I'm desperately wishing the sun would go away and those stupid birds outside would drop dead.

Why oh why did I marry a morning person??

You don't WHAT??!

The question of vaccination came up on Hobie's PR recently, I'm sure after that really sad link about the short life of baby Ian who passed away at 47 days old from complications from his Hep B vaccination. I wanted to share my response here too as to why we choose what we do for our children. Sadly I don't share our vaccine status with our own family because I know they wouldn't begin to comprehend. I don't have a problem with people making a choice opposite of ours, I just have a problem with people who think everyone doesn't deserve a choice! Here's what I wrote:

"Hobie is not being vaccinated. As R*** stated, in all but two states you can obtain either a philosophical or religious exemption to vaccines from your local health department and still access public schools. Here in FL you have the religious option and you do not have to state or prove your religion to obtain the exemption form. We happen to homeschool so it's not an issue.

My kids all have different vaccination statuses. I can tell you my oldest DD is high-functioning autistic and has not been right since her second night in the hospital. We spent 5 nights in the children's hospital with her as she had a fever and nonstop screaming, and refused to eat or sleep. They did blood tests and treated her with IV antibiotics but all of her cultures came back negative. We brought her home and she screamed inconsolably for the next 5 months. The *only* thing that happened to her during her hospital stay as a newborn was the Hep B vax, which had just been mandated for newborns. We wound up not getting her any more vaccinations, and our pediatrician here in FL (she was born in TN) agreed that she might be one of those kids who is susceptible to vaccines and our pedi told us NOT to vaccinate her. This is a pedi known for alternate schedules but not anti-vax; in fact I had a friend who didn't want to vax at all and they gave her a really hard time. I don't know if Ibis is damaged from a vaccine. I know she's not like any of my other kids. It's not a discipline issue. She will never be normal. We have to take her behavior into consideration before we go anywhere, be it the store, the pool, the library, you name it.

For me, for my family, the benefits simply do not outweigh the risks at this time. If, down the road, we felt as though there was a serious medical threat in our community that could possibly be helped by a vaccine, we might pursue it. But right now? No. For many of these vaccines, the number of serious adverse reactions and deaths FROM the vaccine are greater per year than the number of serious complications and deaths from the disease the vaccine is supposed to prevent. I know you can argue that the disease's numbers are low because of the vaccine, but many of our vaccines are now proving to be ineffective or have worn off of those who received them. 

Another reason is that we don't feel that, in the case of quite a few of these vaccines, the disease they are attempting to prevent is "bad" enough to risk vaccinating for. For example, diseases like chicken pox, the typical flu, rotavirus, and even the measles are things that our bodies were made to fight. For a typical non-immunocompromised individual, the risks of serious harm or death from these diseases is pretty low. 

We also are concerned that there are ingredients in vaccines that are more harmful than we are led to believe. There are tissues from other animals and human fetuses, formaldehyde, aluminum, and even still mercury in some vaccines (influenza doses typically have mercury). I wouldn't let my kids ingest any of that stuff, especially as infants. I definitely don't want it injected directly into their bloodstream; at least your intestines provide a filtering barrier for some of the bad stuff you might ingest. 

It bothers me personally that vaccines don't have to adhere to the vigorous research and testing and trials that all other FDA-approved drugs must go through before being marketed. Vaccines are often tested on the fly, and sometimes with fatal results. The rotavirus oral vaccine was recalled not all that long ago because it was causing intestinal perforation in some infants. 

I also don't think that a doctor or other medical personnel can afford to be anti-vax. Vaccine reactions are, to my knowledge, the only thing you can't sue your doctor over. You sign a liability waiver every time your child receives a vaccination, and you are taking any and all medical complications off of their liability-conscious hands. If your child is injured or dies from a vaccine reaction, you may receive money from the federal government's Vaccine Injury Compensation fund, but that's it. No suing Dr. Smith because he gave your baby that vaccine, no suing the hospital because they couldn't save your baby. However, you CAN sue your doctor if your baby dies from or is permanently injured by a vaccine-preventable disease. What incentive is there for a doctor to NOT vaccinate according to the CDC schedule? If I were a doctor I'd probably do the same thing. We as a society are so ready to sue that I think doctors are barely even practicing medicine anymore.

Whew, well, that was a long story  I just wanted to give you our personal reasons for why we choose not to vaccinate. I have no problem with people who choose to vaccinate, I just like everyone to know that it is just that: a CHOICE. Never feel like you are being forced either way on the issue, it is up to you as a parent to choose what is best for your family."




So, that's my story and I'm stickin' to it. I'm glad that we live in a country where we HAVE a choice!